Love, Jealousy, or Control?
Author:
Alejandra Nolasco
Edgar and Isabel began to chill. Weeks passed by and
without realizing it, they fell in love. Everything
seemed perfect and there were no barriers that could
injure their relationship. Months flew by and Edgar
began to love Isabel a lot, maybe too much. He began
checking on her, commanding her and taking over her
life. She began to think “Is this really what love is
about?” Some people might say her boyfriend is just
jealous, but that’s an excuse.
According to Asusena Berrelleva-García, from Defensa
de Mujeres, “It’s not jealousy, it’s about power and
control. They feel insecure and they don’t have enough
trust or good communication. If they don’t get
attention from their parents, they might feel they can
only obtain control over their partner.”
Danger Signs
Edgar is not only being jealous, he is being
possessive and abusive. He is controlling Isabel in
every step she takes, watching her, and if he ever saw
her talking to another guy, “que se agarre” or she
would be in big trouble. According to Berrelleva-
García, these are the first signs of a possessive
relationship. Are you in one?
Is your partner always checking on you or wanting to
know where you’re at? Don’t feel ashamed, you’re not
the only one. Out of 30 teenagers interviewed for this
article who were in a relationship, two-thirds
described themselves as controlling or being
controlled.
Usually it’s the guy who controls the relationship,
but it can be also be the girl who takes things into
her hands. “ I’m tired of seeing that the guys are
always the possessive ones and the one who bosses
around. Now it’s our turn,” said Reyna Montalvo,
Watsonville High School (WHS) student. But, is
possession necessary? “Someone has to take the
riendas,” Montalvo concluded.
Waiting Too Long
Possession, male or female, may get out of control and
you should try solving it before it’s too late. “I
have talked about the problem, but he gets worse,”
said one WHS student. “He usually says if I don’t
like how he is, then to find someone else. I love him
too much to break up with him so I go with the flow.”
Teens need to communicate with their partner before
it’s too late and it gets more complicated.
Isabel did not speak up; she stayed in the
relationship thinking it was going to improve. On the
contrary, everything got worse. She began to lose her
freedom and did not talk about the problem. She was
afraid Edgar was going to get mad. Now they’re
together and Isabel can’t go out without Edgar’s
permission. She doesn’t know where to reach for help.
Solving the problem
Teenagers can go to many places for help when they see
a sign of possession before it gets out of control.
There are support groups, you may talk to a friend, or
end the relationship. If the relationship gets worse,
there are counselors available or instructors from
Defensa de Mujeres. Remember, possession is a form of
abuse.
A relationship is about having fun. Berrelleva-García
says healthy relationships should be, “About trust and
good communication. It’s important to feel comfortable
talking about problems and solving them.”
Some teens wouldn’t change their situation, even if
they are in unhealthy relationships. “I wouldn’t stop
this ‘possessive’ relationship,” Montalvo says. “It’s
better to have him in my hands rather than him having
me in his.”
Instead of having him in her hand, it may be better to
try holding his hand.