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Youth Life!

Love, Jealousy, or Control?
Author: Alejandra Nolasco

Edgar and Isabel began to chill. Weeks passed by and 
without realizing it, they fell in love. Everything 
seemed perfect and there were no barriers that could 
injure their relationship. Months flew by and Edgar 
began to love Isabel a lot, maybe too much. He began 
checking on her, commanding her and taking over her 
life. She began to think “Is this really what love is 
about?” Some people might say her boyfriend is just 
jealous, but that’s an excuse.
According to Asusena Berrelleva-García, from Defensa 
de Mujeres, “It’s not jealousy, it’s about power and 
control. They feel insecure and they don’t have enough 
trust or good communication. If they don’t get 
attention from their parents, they might feel they can 
only obtain control over their partner.”
Danger Signs 
Edgar is not only being jealous, he is being 
possessive and abusive. He is controlling Isabel in 
every step she takes, watching her, and if he ever saw 
her talking to another guy, “que se agarre” or she 
would be in big trouble. According to Berrelleva-
García, these are the first signs of a possessive 
relationship. Are you in one?
Is your partner always checking on you or wanting to 
know where you’re at? Don’t feel ashamed, you’re not 
the only one. Out of 30 teenagers interviewed for this 
article who were in a relationship, two-thirds 
described themselves as controlling or being 
Usually it’s the guy who controls the relationship, 
but it can be also be the girl who takes things into 
her hands. “ I’m tired of seeing that the guys are 
always the possessive ones and the one who bosses 
around. Now it’s our turn,” said Reyna Montalvo, 
Watsonville High School (WHS) student. But, is 
possession necessary? “Someone has to take the 
riendas,” Montalvo concluded.
Waiting Too Long
Possession, male or female, may get out of control and 
you should try solving it before it’s too late.  “I 
have talked about the problem, but he gets worse,” 
said one WHS student.  “He usually says if I don’t 
like how he is, then to find someone else. I love him 
too much to break up with him so I go with the flow.” 
Teens need to communicate with their partner before 
it’s too late and it gets more complicated.
Isabel did not speak up; she stayed in the 
relationship thinking it was going to improve. On the 
contrary, everything got worse. She began to lose her 
freedom and did not talk about the problem. She was 
afraid Edgar was going to get mad. Now they’re 
together and Isabel can’t go out without Edgar’s 
permission. She doesn’t know where to reach for help.
Solving the problem
Teenagers can go to many places for help when they see 
a sign of possession before it gets out of control.  
There are support groups, you may talk to a friend, or 
end the relationship. If the relationship gets worse, 
there are counselors available or instructors from 
Defensa de Mujeres. Remember, possession is a form of 
A relationship is about having fun. Berrelleva-García 
says healthy relationships should be, “About trust and 
good communication. It’s important to feel comfortable 
talking about problems and solving them.”
Some teens wouldn’t change their situation, even if 
they are in unhealthy relationships. “I wouldn’t stop 
this ‘possessive’ relationship,” Montalvo says. “It’s 
better to have him in my hands rather than him having 
me in his.” 
Instead of having him in her hand, it may be better to 
try holding his hand.