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The Hole in My Soul:
Recovering from Meth Addiction
Author: Raquel Marks





Success Story/Fourth Week of July

Wow. Itís been just over 9 months since I last got 
high. I never thought Iíd be able to do it. When I 
came to Narconon, I felt helpless, hopeless, 
worthless, and useless. My soul was buried somewhere 
deep beneath the mask of certainty, relief, and power. 
It was a mask that was induced by drugs. A pain that 
cut me like a knife had shredded through my aura, so 
deep you could see it in my eyes. I was lifeless. My 
body, mind, thoughts, and actions were all under the 
control of a chemical that had no heartbeat or 
feelings. It controlled me. The smart girl, the good 
student, the family girl and overall good person my 
mother had raised me to be had transformed overnight 
into an ugly devious monster.

My every move revolved around getting high. I would 
steal, cheat, lie, whatever it took. I went against my 
own personal ethics so many times. Crystal meth not 
only took over my body, but it diminished my soul. It 
grabbed hold slowly and forcefully, painfully 
detaching my body from it. It had its claws stuck so 
deep into me for so long I started to accept the pain. 
For me, thatís just the way I was going to have to 
live. I didnít think I had a choice. I thought it was 
normal for a 14-year-old girl to hang around guys 
twice my age to get drugs. I thought it was normal to 
subject myself to physical, mental, and emotional 
abuse. I definitely thought it was normal to stay up 
for days on end, stealing from my friends and family, 
just to get that next hit. Man, I was so sick to think 
like that. I could not go a day without using. The 
hole in my soul got bigger with every hit I took and 
with every line I sniffed. I longed to fill it, so I 
kept using.

Finally I got so burnt out, I threw my hands up. I was 
sick of running away from reality, running away from 
life, running away from myself.  I came to Narconon in 
October. This was my 7th try at rehab (and I am only 
19) and I didnít think it would be any different. But 
it was; it worked. It wasnít easy though. I had to 
confront so many issues I had buried so far down. I 
had to unleash my fear and I had to look it straight 
in the eye. I did it and you know what happened?  That 
fear went away. That fear of life vanished. Being at 
Narconon gave me my life back and my soul back. For 
the first time ever I can look in the mirror and not 
cry because the girl looking back at me doesnít have 
sunken cheeks or eyes filled with desperation. The 
girl looking back at me today is healthy, proud, and 
clean. I love myself once again. Today I am helping 
people gain the same feeling I have. Itís amazing to 
know I have the ability to help people come off drugs.

If you or someone you know has a problem with drugs 
or alcohol, contact Narconon of Northern California in 
Watsonville at 831-768-7190 or Narcotics Anonymous in 
Santa Cruz at 831-429-7436.  In Salinas, call 831-758-
1630.  In Monterey, call 624-2055.  You may also call 
the national Narconon hotline at 1-800-468-6933.